Forgiving What Cannot Be Forgotten

Have you ever been deeply hurt or disappointed by someone you trusted with your whole heart—someone who was supposed to protect you, love you, and be your safe place? That was the struggle I went through in my middle school years.

We come into the world naturally trusting our mom and dad; they are the ones that are supposed to protect us, love us, and provide for us. My father broke all of that trust, he hurt me in such a way that how would I be able to trust again? The only way for me to trust and heal was through a journey of forgiveness. I say journey because it took a long time. God had to first show me the areas of my heart that were full of bitterness and anger. I had to recognize it before I could let go of it.

I had so much unforgvness build up inside, causing the bitterness and hurt to grow, and my heart became hard towards God. Bitterness creeps inside without us knowing; sometimes it looks like anger being short-tempered with someone or sarcastic putting walls up, wanting revenge on the person who hurt you. For me, bitterness was my jealousy toward others. When I saw my friends with their families, both mom and dad were married doing family things together, and hurt would bubble up inside. My bitterness was also pointed to God. God, if you are such a good God, then why did you let this happen to me? Bitterness did not have a core of hate in my life, but a core of hurt. I felt so much hurt towards my dad and towards God.

The thing about forgiveness is that it’s not for the other person; it’s for you. I also did not realize that forgiveness does not mean that I have to forget or that what my dad did was okay. I can never forget what my dad did. There is a movie about my story, and now I am writing a book. I can’t forget that it was a part of my life, BUT I can forgive. I can let go of the hurt, let go of the bitterness, lay it on the cross, and say Jesus took this from me.

My dear friend, I say my healing journey because I had to tell Jesus over and over again that I chose to forgive my dad, but I can not do it without you, Jesus. Take this hurt from me.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and glamour and slander be put away from you, along with all palaces. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, and forgiving to one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32